Sta.sh
Spidey Sense
Every time it feels like taking the first gasping breath after walking with the dead.
I'm ok, I'm not ok. It doesn't really make a difference outside my head. Life goes on.
But inside, I'm balancing between two incomprehensible horrors. I'm giving up, unable to exist to the point where others have to practically breathe for me, or I'm impulsively acting, fighting, running away, panicking, becoming so irrational that I don't realize until after the madness that I have driven everybody away. I lapse between nightmares with nobody to wake me up. Kevin keeps my head above the surface, just enough to hold my job and pay my rent. His voice of reason yells above my insecurities, providing warmth and hope, but circumstance tends to reinforce my doubts.
Back and forth, I'm down and then – I'm up, I realize something, I shake off the dust and join the world for a few days at a time. Then again, one day I wake up and no amount of reason can remind me why I get out of bed. I'm a zombie, with any words that come out of my mouth, any interaction, any functioning whatsoever takes tremendous effort. I can't remember why I was so ok for that window of time.
But I want to work on it. That is a start. School is giving me something to think about sometimes, forcing me to use my mind instead of wasting away completely while I'm too exhausted to have a life. I've learned to analyze my perspective and recognize the factors (other than chemical imbalances) that have developed my world. Not that I blame any individuals, but I can see how my environment spawned this shit to some extent.
I honestly thought I was retarded all my life because one day, I realized that I never had anything to talk about. I never think, I have trouble learning, I'm extremely awkward, I lack creative ability… which makes it hard to talk and communicate… so I kind of end up avoiding people, whether I want to or not. I come off as "unfriendly," but really I just never learned how to be a goddamn social being. For as long as I can remember, I was told "don't speak unless your spoken to; only answer if someone asks; don't ask stupid questions; raise your hand if you have something to say (while all the normal, outgoing kids can shout out as much as they want)."
Sociology classes have helped me realize the root of my social anxiety. Recently I have learned about the role of institutions, such as schools and family, in human development. I was always discouraged to speak, to ask questions, and to think, by everyone that mattered to me. If you don't ask questions, how do you learn? If you are constantly told to be quiet, isn't it normal to assume that there is no reason to have anything to say? If you think nobody cares, is it that strange to stop talking?
For years, for my lifetime, I missed an important step of cognitive development. I think this is important to look at when considering my (condition?). If there's nothing going on up there, and I lack the communication skills to grow to understand people, I've never learned how to rationalize things (as people do by communicating and absorbing ideas) and I end up buckling under the same circumstances that people just shrug off.
And with this realization, all I can do is try to socialize and try to talk about myself with people that might have something to contribute. This is the only thing I really know about myself. I am neutral. Knowing this, I don't know if I can get out of bed tomorrow, but the next time I can… What next? I'm not going to let this happen silently any more, if only so I can have a meaningful conversation.
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